Let me just state for the record that I am not a "blogger." This is not a hobby or a new habit. As far as I know at the moment this is a one-time deal. This is a purge. (Not the scary movie kind.) When the Lord lays something on your heart, you do it. And, honestly, if I don't put this down and get it off my chest and heart and out of my mind, I might be crushed under the weight of it.
Let me also state that I am not a scholar of religion. I know the things that I know about God from sitting the in the pews at church on Sunday mornings and randomly opening my Bible and reading whatever is right there in front of me. I Google things I am confused about, and I confide in close friends who are also believers, but I am in no way an expert. I don't really think I ever will be.
I say all of that to say this: I am at the most frustrating place in my life that I have ever been. You know, I have spent my entire life with a single goal in mind. And along the way, the path has seemingly cleared itself to make that dream a reality. I knew I was fulfilling my calling from God. I just knew it. Now, here I am, at the jumping off place ready to get this whole thing started, and I have this immense and penetrating silence surrounding me.
This is ridiculously hard to admit. Not because I have a hard time saying it, but because with the way social media is today, it is almost unheard of for people to admit to being anything but perfect. Just this morning, I saw a post on Facebook thanking God for some huge blessing in someone's life. The gist of the post basically encouraged people to "get right with God and it will all fall into place." I'm sorry. Excuse me? I thought I was already doing that. I love the Lord. I worship Him and talk to Him daily. In fact, just this morning, I am face first on my bed crying out to Him to DO something-- move in my life, God! So, I'm doing everything I know to do to be a follower. Yet, my life is not falling into place. I am sitting here...waiting. Praying and waiting for Him to fulfill this calling. And nothing is happening. This results in numerous scream-fests in my car (which I am sure have gotten me multiple crazy looks) where I am literally yelling at the sky that I don't understand. What are you doing, God?? You brought me here. You wanted this. I'm here. I'm ready, and NOTHING. Nothing but fear, frustration, and simmering anger. This, friends, is the thing you are not supposed to admit. I am supposed to post pictures of my perfect little family (who I love), and pretend that life is sunshine and roses.
The most crippling feeling is the fear. Sometimes it pins me to a place, and I can't move. What if I was wrong? What if I forced my will in this life claiming all along that it was God? What if I never get there? There in comes the idea of faith. There are so many Bible verses that I can turn to. I quote them to myself when the fear becomes too much to bear. But then comes more anxiety. If I really believed, would I have this need to keep reaffirming my faith? Maybe this struggle is a sign that I am too weak to follow Him. Why can't I just let God be God? Why do I constantly pray, " I can't carry this. Take it, Lord. I want peace that surpasses all understanding." Then here I am, trying to fix it myself again. Trying to drag the weight along with me. I can't do it anymore. Hence, this lengthy diary entry that I am choosing to show to the world.
I don't know what I want the outcome of this to be. I just know that I had to write it. I had to get it down on (digital) paper. I needed to tell anyone who would listen that I am struggling and not perfect. My life is messy, and I need Jesus. I might post smiling pictures of my adoring husband and beautiful kids, and those things are real, but there is whole life underneath that I am clinging to with everything in me to keep together. I guess my hope is that this will help someone. Maybe it will bring someone to me who can join in fellowship with me and help me as well. Who knows. I just know that I needed to do this, and I needed the weight gone. I love the Lord, but I still experience so many emotions that I am not proud of. My new manta is "I'm working on it." So, I prayed for the Lord to take hold of my life this morning, and I am sure that I will again in the future. But, I feel better knowing that I got this out there. You are not alone. We are never alone. Life is hard. But we are never alone (even if He is silent). Thank God for that. :)
